


Not What I Expected

by dancingroses



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, For a minute, Hurt/Comfort, I thought of this in the shower, Jack is not the nephelim, Kidnapping, M/M, Sam and Dean have a younger sister in this, There’s some descriptions of Rape but nothing graphic I promise, hardcore sibling bonding, heavy angst throughout the whole story, i explain more in the story, it’s a character from an old episode in season 9, mostly - Freeform, the story is from her perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-18 20:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20318959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingroses/pseuds/dancingroses
Summary: Long story short Sam, Dean, and their sister Selena are all kidnapped and while there, she tells them a secret. Then she finds out some interesting stuff about Sam and Dean.*Flashbacks to Rape scenes but nothing graphic happens in detail*





	Not What I Expected

**Author's Note:**

> I thought of this in the shower okay? Don’t fucking judge me.

Lena woke up with a groan. Her head was pounding and there was a sharp pain above her right eye. Sitting up, she finally pulled her eyes open.

The room she was sitting in was dark. The walls were made of cement and there were dark stains covering the rough material of the floor. She decided she didn’t want to know what those stains were.

She stood, moving to walk toward the door, only to find herself getting yanked back by a chain wrapped tightly around her right ankle. She leaned down to try to free herself, but the attempt was useless. It wouldn’t budge.

She tried to remember how she got here.

She and her brothers had been back at the bunker. Sam has just made dinner and they were finally relaxing after a particularly rough hunt.

Lena settled further into her chair, pulling her grilled cheese in half. She meticulously laid the onion rings into the cheese before putting the sandwich back together. Sam always laughed at her when she did that.

The TV flickered to life, and Dean picked up the remote to start shifting through channels looking for something to watch.

He landed on Scooby Doo, of course, and Lena gave a fake groan of annoyance.

It was nice to finally relax and have some real sibling time. Ever since Lena got back from Hell three months ago, the three of them had been on edge. Lena wasn’t sleeping well, and the brothers were both extremely concerned.

She wasn’t acting like they expected her to. At least not like how Sam or Dean had acted when they got back from Hell. They were jumpy, sure, but Lena seemed outright terrified of everything.

She would jump at the slightest touch, even from her brothers, and she refused every hug they offered.

Of course everyone reacts to trauma differently, but this seemed like something more than just being tortured for a month.

Well, a month up here. It was ten years down there.

Sam had talked to Dean about it, and both of them were sure that there was something she wasn’t telling them. Something that went beyond torture.

What she wasn’t telling them was, of course, that aside from the classic torture methods, her demon tormented, Aamon, had decided to hurt her in the worst way you can hurt a woman.

She decided the day she came home that she would keep this to herself.

For one thing, her brothers already treated her like a five year old half the time. This would only make that worse.

And for another, the last thing Lena wanted was to see the hatred on Dean’s face. The pity on Sam’s.

Altogether it was easier to just pretend it never happened.

Halfway through the show, as the siblings laughed and joked amongst themselves, there was a loud thud from the main room.

Lena had jumped in her seat, the plate clattering to the floor.

“Did you guys hear that?” She asked, already moving to investigate.

Sam was right behind her, gun pulled and shoulders tense, and Dean followed suit. The three of them made their way to the front room, finding a man in a clean suit standing at the top of the stairs that led to the front door.

The two brothers immediately pointed their guns at him, while Sam used his free hand to push Lena behind him.

“Who are you?” Dean demanded, and Lena heard the familiar click of the safety going off.

The man laughed gently, making his way down the stairs.

“One more step and we shoot you. Do you understand me?” Again, the man only laughed. It wasn’t a mocking sound. It was almost friendly. 

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you.” The man assured them, raising his hands up as if approaching wild animals.

“I’ll only ask nicely one more time. Who are you and what do you want?” Dean ordered him, taking a step forward.

“I need this one to do me a favor.” He said, holding up his arm to point at Lena. Sam had wrapped an arm around her to keep her behind him, and she noticed his grip tighten as soon as the man mentioned her.

“Absolutely not. What is gonna happen, is you’re either going to turn your ass around and walk out of here with both legs intact, or I’m going to put a bullet in your head. Is that clear?” Dean growled, shifting slightly to block Lena from the intruder’s view.

“I’m afraid I can’t leave just yet. You see, I didn’t come here to ask permission.” The man said, taking two steps forward.

Dean fires, the bullet landing right in between the man’s eyes. He stills for a moment, before digging his fingers into the wound and pulling the bullet out. The three watched in fascinated horror as he dropped the bullet to the ground like it was nothing more than a harmless penny.

“What the hell are you?” Sam asked, once again tightening his grip on his sister.

“Does this answer your question?” The man said, blinking. When his eyes opened again they were pitch black, no sign of the previous cool brown from before.

Lena felt Sam tense.

“A demon. Of course. What do you want with us?” Sam asked.

“I need to borrow you three for a bit.”

“Well you can’t.” Dean growled, stepping back to join his siblings.

“I’m afraid I have to insist.” The man said, finally dropping his hands to his sides.

That’s where Lena’s memory comes to a screeching halt. Try as she might, everything past that point is nonexistent.

She quickly looks up as the door finally opens, and the suit man walks in with a pleasant smile on his face.

“Selena! I'm so glad to see you’re awake. How are you, my dear?” He spoke politely, sounding old fashioned. 

“Where are my brothers?” Lena asks as he makes him way over to her.

“They’re fine. I told you, I’m not going to hurt any of you.” He assures her, placing a hand on her shoulder. She’s quick to shrug it off though.

“Then why are we here?” She demands.

“Because, I need you to do something for me.”

“What?” She asks cautiously, her eyes tracing his every move.

“I need you to shoot one of your brothers.” The man says, that same smile growing slightly at the shocked look on her face.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Lena asks, although she’s not sure she wants the answer.

“Well, it’s quite simple really. I’m going to bring your brothers in here one at a time, so they can try to convince you to pick them and not the other. And you will have to pick. Then I’ll bring them both here, and you will shoot either Sam or Dean. See? Simple.” The man grins at her, and she looks back at him like he’s grown a second head.

“And why the hell would I do that?” The man seems almost excited when she scoffs at him.

“Because, my dear, if you do not, then I will shoot them both. Right in front of you.” 

Lena finds herself running through all of this in her head, and it’s not a pleasant thing.

Alright. This is bad. This is really bad. How the hell am I supposed to shoot Sam or Dean? No, I can’t do that. But if I don’t they both die? How am I supposed to make a decision like that? Cass is up in heaven, he can’t help! And Mary won’t be back for three days, she won’t even know we were taken! God, what do I do?

“You have five minutes. Which brother would you like to talk to first?” The man seems pleased with himself. Like he thinks he’s somehow chivalrous for letting her choose.

“Uh… I- I wanna talk to Sam.” She just blurts out the first name that came to mind. The man nods, seeming happy with her choice.

Suddenly she panics again.

Whoever I talk to first is probably gonna make me promise to pick him. God, Sam is gonna make me promise. But I can’t do that! I don’t have to promise. I can refuse. But he isn’t going to let me refuse. Did I just condemn Sam to death?

Five minutes pass by quickly, and before Lena knows it, the door is being opened again and Sam is shoved into the room.

“Lena? Hey! Are you okay?” Sam starts pestering her almost immediately.

“I’m fine.”

“Then why are you crying?” He asks, wiping a tear away.

I’m crying? She hadn’t even realized. She was so caught up in her thoughts.

“He… the demon. He told me what he wanted.” She admitted, subconsciously gripping Sam’s sleeve.

“Alright. What does he want?” Sam asks, resting his own hand over hers.

“He wants me to kill you. Or Dean. He said I get to choose. But if… if I don’t do it, he’ll kill you both.” Somehow saying it out loud was worse. She found herself crying harshly, and Sam pulled her into a hug.

“Don’t worry about that. We’re gonna get out of here before you even have to think about that. I promise.” He held her close, rubbing his hand up and down her back.

She pulls away, shaking her head.

“No. I only have thirty minutes to decide. I get fifteen minutes with you, and fifteen minutes with Dean. It’s a chance for you guys to try to convince me who to kill.” She cries, her fist clutching his shirt.

“Lena. Listen to me. If this does happen, you already know what I’m gonna say.” Sam tells her.

“I can’t.” She begs, burying her face against his chest.

“Lee, listen to me. You have to. You know that. There’s no other choice. We all know that Dean is better than me. You need him more than you need me. It’s okay if you choose me.”

“No! I’m so sick of you two constantly sacrificing yourselves! He is not better than you! And you’re not better than him! I need both of you!” Lena never understood why her brothers could never see their own worth.

And she knew, without a doubt, that when Dean gets his turn he’s gonna day the exact same thing.

“Lena, please. You have to promise me.” Sam insists, and she’s tempted to say she knew it.

She just knew he would ask her to promise. But how could she?

“Don’t ask that of me. Please, Sam. Don’t do that to me.” She’s begging at this point. She can’t promise either of them. But Sam was so persuasive and she knew she was in danger of agreeing.

“Lena, do this one thing for me. Please. Swear on Dad. Swear to me on Dad’s grave, that you will not choose Dean.” Sam practically demands, and Lena can’t help crying.

She wanted to give into his puppy dog eyes. She wanted to do whatever he asked her to. But not this. Never this. He was asking her to kill him!

“I-”

“Please, Lena.”

“Okay!”

It’s like the world has gone grey for that one moment. She feels her heart start to ache. What did she just do? She just swore, on Dad’s grave, that she would shoot Sam in the head. She feels that agreeing to this took a piece of her and shattered it.

“Thank you.” He’s so sincere. He’s genuinely grateful. That almost hurts more than the promise did.

They spend the remaining five minutes silent. Sam envelopes Lena in his arms, letting her soak up the moment. She’s trying so hard not to cry, because she’s convinced that if she starts she’ll never stop.

The five minutes end too soon, and within seconds Sam is gone and Dean is being pushed into the room.

Just as his brother had, Dean rushes to Lena as soon as he spots her crying.

“Lena? What’s wrong?” He asks, pulling her into a hug.

God, she didn’t want to go through this again. It was going to be the same thing all over again. He’ll beg her to change her mind. But she swore.

Once she finished explaining the situation, she got exactly the reaction she expected.

“Okay… so pick me.”

“No! God damn you two! It’s not that simple. One of you has to die! By my hand! And you just expect me to easily be able to go ‘oh fuck yeah, let’s shoot Dean’?” Lena was exasperated. This was all too much.

The concept of one of her brothers dying was enough to drive her over the edge. But for her to have to do it? Even if Lena could decide between the two, which she’s adamant that she cannot, she was sure the action itself would kill her.

“Lena, it really is that simple. I know it’s difficult, but I’m gonna need you to promise me, okay?” She almost laughed at that. Of course Dean would ask for a promise. Her brothers might as well be twins at this point.

“I can’t.” She told him, staring at her shoes.

“Like I said, I know it’s hard, but-” She interrupts him.

“No. You don’t understand. I can’t.” Lena insisted, finally looking up at her brother. Dean seemed confused, but then it all seemed to snap into place.

“He made you promise, didn’t he?” Dean asks, lifting her chin so she has to look at him.

“Yes. He did.” She admits.

“And you listened?”

“He puppy-dog eyed me! I couldn’t say no!” She insists, throwing her arms up in frustration.

“Well take it back. Don’t listen to him. Screw promises.” He demands gently.

“Dean, I can’t. I swore on Dad.” She tells him, tears filling her eyes again.

“I don’t care what you swore on. This isn’t just a promise, Lena, it’s Sam’s life!” He was yelling now, and she shrunk into herself.

“Don’t shout at me!” She cries. His whole body softens, and he reaches out to hug her.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. But Lena, please, please, don’t kill Sam. I’m begging you.” She wasn’t sure if her mind was playing tricks, but Lena could’ve sworn it sounded like he was crying.

“Don’t make me lose him again. Don’t put me through that.” He begs, and now she’s sure she feels a tear hit the top of her head. Lena’s crying too, and the two of them just stay quiet for a few seconds.

When she finally pulls away, Dean’s eyes are starting to turn red, and Lena has never seen her brother this afraid. Something in her snaps. Dean’s not supposed to be this scared. She’ll to anything to ease his fear.

So, without thinking, “Okay. I promise.”

Dean finally smiles. He pulls her back into a hug and lets her cry.

When their time is up, the man pulls Dean away and pushes him to his knees on the other side of the room. Then he leaves the room and returns with Sam.

The brothers take a moment to look each other over, a quick check up, before their eyes fall back on Lena.

The man pulls out two guns, handing one to Lena, and holding on to the second one.

“If either of you move, I’ll shoot her. Do you understand?” The brothers nod, Dean’s glaring eyes lingering on the man’s face.

“Selena. Have you made your decision? Which Winchester will die?” He asks, waiting for her to look up at him.

“Just give me one more minute. Please.” She begs, staring at the gun in her hand.

“As you wish.”

The room is quiet. She’s sure Sam and Dean are talking but she tunes them out. Focusing only on the gun in her hand. Something the man said is repeating in her mind.

‘Which Winchester will die?’

She thinks about it for a minute, and suddenly it comes to her. She has a plan!

She looks up at the man, trying to pretend she’s still upset and scared.

“I’ve made up my mind.”

“Good. Whenever you’re ready, my dear.” The man says, gesturing to her brothers. 

She steps closer to them, finally looking up at them. Dean is nodding at her, and Sam just looks sad.

“I’m not going to shoot them.” She says, waiting for the man to yell at her.

“Ah, but you must, my dear. Or I will shoot them both.” He reminds her, his tone gentle and sweet.

“You said, ‘A Winchester must die.’ Right?” She asks, looking over to him.

“That is correct.” He says, seeming confused by her question.

“Lena, no.” Sam suddenly speaks up, and she’s sure he’s figured out her plan.

She doesn’t give him any more time to try to change her mind. The barrel is at her temple and Sam and Dean are shouting their protests immediately.

Lena keeps her eyes on the man.

“I’m a Winchester.” She says, watching as his lips pull into a smile.

“I see. You’re clever, young lady. If that’s your choice, I’ll allow it.” She actually smiles. Sam and Dean are still shouting at her, and when she finally turns to look at them, Dean moves to stand up.

“Ah ah ah. Move and I shoot her.” The man warns, raising his gun to point it at Dean.

The oldest sibling begrudgingly gets back down on his knees, turning his attention back to his sister.

“Lena, what the hell are you thinking?” Dean demands, looking at her incredulously.

“I’m doing the right thing. This is the only option.” She tells him, turning the safety off.

At the sound of the click, Dean starts talking louder and Sam just keeps saying her name.

“Lena, kid, listen to me. Please. Okay? Don’t do this. It’s not the right thing. It’s really not. Besides, you promised me. Remember?” Sam begs, his eyes wide with panic.

“I did promise. I promised I wouldn’t pick Dean. And I’m not. Therefore, I’m keeping my promise.” Sam doesn’t seem to like that answer.

Lena lets the gun fall to her side and she talks to her brothers. They argue back and forth for almost ten minutes, Sam is the first to resign. It takes some pressuring and some begging on Lena’s part, but with a stray tear, he agrees.

“Lena, just… if you’re gonna do this. Do me one favor first.” He begs, and she can see how hard he’s trying not to cry.

“Anything.”

“Tell us what happened to you in Hell.” He asks, and her whole body goes stiff.

“Not that. Anything but that.” Lena can’t believe that she’s about to die, and this is the time Sam chooses to ask her what happened in Hell.

“I didn’t want to ask because I wanted you to come to me on your own. But I can’t let you go, knowing you had a secret. I just can’t.” He says, and his eyes don’t leave hers.

“After this bastard is dead, give us someone to take revenge on. What’s the worst thing that can happen if you tell us?” Dean asks, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

“If I tell you, you promise you’ll let me do this?” Lena asks, looking between her brothers’ faces.

“We promise.” Sam says, seeming cautious.

Of course he wanted to know. But if it was as bad as Lena was making it seem, he wasn’t sure he could handle it.

“There’s… there are a million different ways you can torture a person. But there’s one thing that you can do to women that… which isn’t to say it doesn’t happen to men but it’s much less common.” Lena swears she could hear Dean’s jaw clench.

“Oh my god.” Sam whispers, a frown appearing on his face.

“I mean, as a girl, you grow up with your dad telling you not to walk alone or you’ll get raped. Don’t go hunting alone or you’ll get raped. Don’t go to the bar alone or you’ll get raped. And then you go to Hell and you’re alone and you get raped, and suddenly you feel like the biggest disappointment in the world.” She’s rambling now, but she can practically feel how tense her brothers are.

“Lena, I-”

“Don’t. Don’t say you’re sorry. Please don’t do that. The main reason I didn’t want to tell you is I didn’t want to see Dean be angry. And I didn’t want to see you pitying me. If this is the last time I see your faces, can I please see them with a smile?” She asks softly, tears building in her eyes.

It’s hard, but the boys manage to smile at her. She slowly lifts the gun to her head, pausing to stare at her brothers just a little while longer.

There’s a click. Then a bang. And she slumps to the floor like a rag doll.

Sam rushes to her side, cradling her like a child. Dean just stays on his knees, his eyes lost staring at the wall.

After what was probably five more minutes, the sadness and grief turns to vengeful anger, and Dean tackles the man to the floor. Sam continues to hold onto his baby sister as the two fight.

“Exorcizamus te…” Sam vaguely hears Dean chanting the exorcism ritual, and there’s a loud scream as the black smoke slithers into the floor and the host body collapses.

One would think Sam would’ve noticed the lack of a bullet wound or any blood, but thinking your baby sister is dead really makes your brain work a little slower.

Dean makes his way over to the two of them, sitting on the floor next to Lena’s “body”. They remain there in silence, when suddenly she stirs. The brothers state at each other in shock, when she groans and starts to sit up.

“What happened?” She mutters, her hand pressed to her temple. The only answer she gets, however, is Sam and Dean pulling her into a hug.

“Oh, okay. Hugging. This is nice.” She says, returning the hug. They pull away quickly though, staring at her.

“How- what- how are you alive?” Sam stutters the question out in shock, investigating the spot on Lena’s head where she’d been shot. There’s a developing bruise, but it didn’t even pierce the skin.

“Oh my god. It was a blank.” Dean says.

“Why the hell would it be a blank?” Sam asks, still gripping his sister.

“Who cares? Let’s be grateful. I’m not dead!” Lena shouts, throwing her hands up. The brothers laugh and the three of them embrace once more.

“Guys, the hugging is really nice but I’d love to go home now.” She says, pulling out of their arms.

The three are back at the bunker within the hour. Luckily they were held nearby. When they finally walk in, Lena goes straight to bed, and the brothers sit down at the table in the main room.

Her room was still lit when she walked in. She had never had the chance to turn the light off. The bed wasn’t made, and there were papers all over the floor from when she tried to draw the night before they were taken.

She decides the mess can wait until tomorrow, and despite the trauma of the day, she sleeps peacefully.

The next two days, Lena stays in her room. Sam brings her meals three times a day, and Dean keeps asking if she wants to watch a movie. She knows why they’re overcompensating. Normally when she stays in her room like this they don’t pester her too much.

But now that they know about Hell, of course they’re worried. Which is exactly why Lena didn’t want to tell them. She didn’t want the extra attention or concern. She didn’t want to be babied. Too late now.

Two days after they escaped, somewhere around 8:30, Sam comes into her room, after knocking of course.

“Come in.” She says, watching the door swing open. Sam makes his way over to her bed, and the two sit on the edge together.

“You know we have to talk about it eventually.” He starts, seeming cautious of her.

“What? Me shooting myself?” She asks. Of course she knew exactly what he really wanted to talk about, but she was really hoping she could direct the conversation elsewhere.

“No. Well, yeah that too at some point. But no. About what you told us.” Sam says, never looking away from her face. She sighs heavily.

“Sam. I don’t want to talk about it. The only reason I told you is because I thought I was about to die and I didn’t think I’d ever have to talk about it.” She admits, finally looking up at him.

“Listen, I know that in this family we, me and Dean especially, have a habit of ignoring things and pushing them down until they go away. But this isn’t something you push down. I don’t care who you talk to, but you have to talk to someone, Lena.” Sam seemed insistent, and Lena found herself sighing again.

“No offense, but you really don’t get to have an opinion on this.” Lena says, shrugging her shoulders.

“Oh yeah? And why not?” He was testing her, waiting for her to say something that he could argue with.

“Because! You wouldn’t get it.” She says, frowning at him. Why was he so insistent that she talk about this?

“How do you know?” That gets her attention. She can see that he immediately regrets saying that.

Lena’s pretty sure she already knows what that implies, but she decides it’s best to be careful about this. That doesn’t stop her heart from racing though.

“What are you talking about?” She asks him gently, not wanting to get up in his face about it.

“You’re not the only one that had a rough time in Hell.” He whispers, staring at his shoes. Lena feels her heart drop.

“Lucifer?” She’s trying so hard to be careful. She’s not sure she should’ve even said his name. But luckily Sam doesn’t even flinch. He only nods.

“Why- why didn’t you tell us?” Lena immediately regrets that question. She understands why he wouldn’t say anything.

“I mean, it was just one of those things that I thought I could work through on my own. I thought if I just stuffed it down, I’d get over it eventually. But I’m sure you’re aware, that doesn’t work.” Sam finally looks up at her again, and she sees the look in his eyes. He’s not over it.

“Do you… I mean do you wanna talk about it?” She asks, fiddling with her hands.

“Do you?” He retorts, raising an eyebrow at her.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.” She says, luckily earning a laugh in response.

“Deal. But you have to go first.” He says, turning to fully face her.

“I’m not really sure how to start.” She admits, wringing her hands.

“We’ll start easy. How many times did it happen?” He asks.

“That’s starting easy? Oh jeez. Okay. I don’t… I don’t actually know. I think I lost count. But it’s somewhere in the low hundreds.” She says, staring at her hands. She doesn’t miss the way Sam’s fists clenched on his thighs.

“The first time wasn’t until a month in though. Until that point he’d kept me tied up. But that day he let me go. I mean he set me loose in this little room, and gave me time to walk around and loosen up. I couldn’t understand why though. Looking back on it now I think he wanted me freed because it’s more fun if I could fight him.” She felt the memories coming back and her hands froze.

“Later that day he came into the room. At first we just talked. He was taunting me. And then he shoved me onto my back on the floor. And he… he sat down on my lap. I thought he was just gonna beat me up. I didn’t understand what he was doing.”

“Then he- he reached down and he started unbuttoning my jeans and I just… lost it. Of course I’d figured it out at that point. I started fighting him. That just made him happy though. For a while, maybe ten minutes, it was all hands. I thought that was all he was gonna do. I thought I was lucky.” She pauses, taking a deep breath.

“Then he unbuttoned his own jeans, and I started screaming. But he wouldn’t listen, and I just remember thinking that no one could hear me. And I’m sure you can figure out what happened next.”

“I wasn’t used to rough. I was used to it being gentle, and sweet. But he was so rough. He was moving so fast, and I couldn’t keep up. I cried, and I scratched him, and I screamed at him. And he just laughed at me.” She reaches up to wipe a stray tear from her face.

“It was almost twenty minutes before he, y’know, finished I guess.” She pauses again, and Sam can’t decide if he wants to ask the obvious question.

“Did he… I mean was it in or out?” He asks, hoping the question doesn’t set her off.

“In.”

They remain silent for a few minutes, Sam patiently waiting for her to continue.

“Then he just got up, and he got dressed, and he left. And I got dressed, and I paced the room. I guess I thought it was something I could literally just walk it off. And then that started happening every month. And it never got more gentle, I never stopped crying, and he never stopped laughing.” When she was done, she started wringing her hands again.

“I’m sorry.” He says.

“Sam-”

“No, I know. You don’t want my pity. But I don’t pity you. I’m just sorry that that happened to you. That’s all. No pity. I promise.” He assures her, placing his hand on hers to stop her fidgeting.

They stay silent a little longer, Sam not wanting to start, and Lena not wanting to ask him to. She decided it was best to wait for him to start on his own.

“I guess I have to talk now, don’t I?” He asks, pulling his hand away.

“You did promise.” Lena reminds him, glancing up at him nervously. He doesn’t seem as upset as her. Granted, for him it’s been 8 years. For Lena it’s only been a few months.

“Alright. I’ll answer the easy question first. It was seventeen times.” He starts, and now it was his turn to fidget.

“Really? But you were down there for almost sixty years.” She doesn’t want to pry, but she can’t help feeling curious.

“He saved it for ‘special occasions.’ I guess he thought that if he did it enough, it would stop hurting.” He chuckles sourly at that. Some unpleasant memories resurfacing in his mind.

“The first time, I had already been there for almost five years. It never even crossed my mind that he would even consider going that far with me. I mean sure, there was some dirty word play, but I never thought he was being serious.”

Lena listens patiently. She’s not sure why, but for some reason hearing Sam talk about something like this hurts more than thinking about her own experiences.

“But one day, he beats the crap out of me, as usual. That was basically our daily routine. But then, in the blink of an eye, we’re on the ground.” Sam shifts uncomfortably on the bed, his fingers gripping the edge roughly.

“It wasn’t… he wasn’t rough. He was so gentle. Almost like he was afraid he’d break me. Or at least he was as gentle as he could be with me wrestling him.”

“I don’t remember much from most of those incidents. The first one of course is vivid, but the rest all really blur together.”

“I don’t remember crying. I’m pretty sure I didn’t. I yelled at him, but mostly I ended up staring at the fire that surrounded the cage. I just kinda zoned out. The flames were dancing and they seemed so peaceful in such a chaotic moment, so I singled in on them.”

“I’d never… I mean I’d never been with a guy before. So of course it hurt like a bitch, but I wasn’t really paying much attention to the pain at that point. The days following the first time, I actually felt fine. I think it took me some time to really process what had happened.”

“I never even really admitted it to myself until the third time. I couldn’t make myself say the word. It was like, if I ignored it, and I denied it, that meant it’d never happened. But, of course, that did not work.” Sam pauses, staring down at his hands.

“Did you… I mean does Dean know?” Lena asks, glancing up at him.

“No. I was embarrassed, Lee. I mean I was humiliated. I felt like a weak idiot. Like, even though he was the devil himself, somehow I should’ve been able to fight him off.” He admits, his voice breaking dangerously.

“Do you still think that?” She asks, desperately hoping the answer is no.

“Sometimes, obviously. But most of the time, no. I’ve had time to adjust, and to really therapize myself. I know it wasn’t my fault. Do you know that?” He finally looks up at her, and she goes red.

“I’m not there yet. I’m still at the part where I feel weak and stupid.” She tells him, and the two go silent again.

“We’re being honest right now, right?” Sam asks, looking up again.

“I guess, yeah. Why?” Lena looks up at him, and god he looks so shy right now. Like an anxious puppy.

“I have more. That doesn’t involve Hell.” That was like a slap to the face.

“You mean… something like this has happened on Earth?” She’s careful. She’s so careful. He only nods.

“When did- how do I not know about this?” She asks, and she can’t help being shocked.

“It wasn’t… it was Lady Beville, back when I was being held by the British Men of Letters.” Sam risks a glance up at her, and she’s crying.

“Did she? I mean, what happened?” God, she’s being so careful.

“It wasn’t a physical thing. Long story short, she drugged me, and made me have a vision of us. Y’know. Doing it. And I remember waking up really uncomfortable and upset. And she came down the stairs and she asked if it was good for me.”

“And honestly I feel silly for being upset about it, but I can’t help feeling dirty thinking about it.” He tells her.

“I don’t blame you. I’d be upset too. Why aren’t we more honest with each other?” She asks, and they make eye contact again.

“Well we are now. And that’s what counts. But the real question is, what do we tell Dean?” Sam hates to ask it, but it wouldn’t be fair for the two of them to have this between them and not include Dean.

“I’ll tell him the same thing I told you. But only if you do too.” She sticks out her hand.

“Deal.” They shake hands, and the two of them are smiling.

They walk into the main room together, Lena shyly leaning against Sam’s side.

“Hey you two. You guys alright?” Dean doesn’t miss the redness of both their faces.

The two of them sit down at the table with Dean, and Sam gives Lena a nod and a smile. She takes a deep breath.

“I told Sam what happened to me in Hell. And we agreed that it’s only fair that I tell you too. If you want to hear it, that is.” She tells him, tapping her finger against the table nervously.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll listen.” Dean seems open to hearing her story, and Lena’s never seen him be so genuine before.

She tells him the same story she told Sam. And, like Sam, throughout the story Dean’s fists are clenched. But he listens patiently. Even when she has to pause because she’s crying again.

Once she’s done he finally speaks up.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. Come here.” Dean gets up and walks over to give her a hug. The two of them stay that way for a moment, before they break it.

“Actually, the only way I could get Lena to tell that story again is if..” Sam pauses to look at his sister. She offers him the same encouraging nod he’d given her. “Is if I promised to tell you mine.”

Dean freezes. His face cycles through confusion, then anger, then sadness, then more confusion.

“What are you talking about?” The question is cautious, and like Lena before, he’s being so careful. Because he doesn’t want to upset Sam, but his brain is spinning in circles.

“There’s a reason I understood Lena so well.” Sam says, as if that’s all he needs to say.

“Oh my god.” Dean mumbles, running a hand through his hair. “Who was it?”

“It was Lucifer. In the cage.” Sam admits, watching Dean’s expression warily. To his surprise, Dean remains calm.

Sam tells him the same story he told Lena.

And just as he did with his sister, Dean listens patiently, with his fists clenched on his thighs.

“And before you start freaking out, we wanna dump this all on you at once. And I have more.” Sam whispers, nervously watching his brother.

Dean’s whole face goes white. “What?” He asks, his shoulders tense.

“Lady Beville, back in the farmhouse. There was no actual physical contact, but there was some mind games.”

Again, Sam tells him what he told Lena. And again, Dean listens. 

“Why didn’t you tell me this years ago?” Dean asks, and Sam shrugs.

“I was embarrassed, Dean. We just never talked about this kind of stuff, and I thought I could handle it on my own.” Sam tells him, fidgeting again.

“You’re not mad at us?” Lena speaks up.

“Why would I be mad?” Dean seems genuinely confused by her question.

“Because we kept this stuff from you. You hate when Sam and I keep secrets.” She says.

“Of course I’m not mad. I don’t blame you for keeping this from me. And if I did, I’d be the world’s biggest hypocrite, wouldn’t I?” And again, Dean’s face goes white. And Lena knows he didn’t mean to say that.

“What did you just say?” Sam asks him, sitting forward in his seat.

“Dean?” Lena says, staring at him in shock.

Dean shifts in his seat, running his hands over his face.

“Look, it never got that far.” He assures them quickly.

“What never got that far?” Sam demands. Dean sighs heavily.

“Do you remember those few months that I spent at Sonny’s farm?” Dean asks.

“Oh my god. Sonny didn’t-”

“No! God no. No no no. Sonny did not touch me.” Dean insists, raising his hands.

“Then who did?” Lena asks quietly. Dean sighs again.

“It was Jack. The mean, old farmer guy that got killed by that tractor.” He admits, watching his siblings faces react to this new information.

“Why didn’t you tell us? Or dad? Dad would’ve kicked his ass!” Sam says.

“Because! You were embarrassed about Lucifer, I was embarrassed about Jack, okay? I mean I was supposed to be the big brother. I was supposed to be the hero. And I just shut down. Every time it happened I just froze, and I didn’t want to admit that.” He shouts, gesturing with his hands. He hears Lena sniffle.

“What do you mean every time? How many times did it happen?” She asks quietly. Dean sighs once more.

“It was uh… it was every day that I was there.” Lena audibly gasps.

“How old were you?” Sam asks, still completely in shock.

“I was 16.” Dean admits, licking his lips nervously.

“Oh my god.” Lena whispers, covering her mouth with her hand.

“Jesus. Did Sonny know? Did you ever tell him?” Sam asks.

“No. And I know how shitty that is. Because looking back that bastard was probably hurting every kid that walked through that door, but I never thought about that. I was 16. I was a selfish dick, I wasn’t thinking about the other kids.” Dean tells them, and it was his turn to fidget with his hands.

The three of them go quiet once more, and Lena tries to process all of today’s new information. She decided listing it was easiest.

One, Sam was raped 17 times by Lucifer in Hell.  
Two, sometimes he still thinks it’s his fault.  
Three, Sam was psychologically raped by Lady Beville back at the farmhouse.  
Four, Dean was molested for several months at the age of 16.

All of this was piling up and it was making her feel dizzy. She leans forward and rests her forehead on the table. She feels Sam rubbing her back and she knows he’s talking to her but she can’t hear him.

“Lena, are you okay?” She definitely didn’t feel okay. Her head was spinning.

“I can’t believe this. All three of us, and we just kept it from each other for years. Why the hell did we do that?” She moans into the table, wrapping her hands behind her neck.

“Because we all got raised to hide shit like this. And because we each want to be the strong one. But from now on, we tell each other everything. Alright? Everything.” Sam insists, and Lena doesn’t see Dean nod but she’s sure he agrees. She nods too.

“Now you, little missy, look like you need to go lie down.” Sam says, pulling Lena out of her seat. The two of them walk her to her room.

“I recommend at least two hours of napping.” Dean speaks up, gently shoving Lena into her room.

“Yes mom.” She grumbles, burying herself in her bed.

Sam and Dean walk back to the main room together in silence. Dean cracks open two beers and hands one to his brother. Sam doesn’t take a sip however. Instead he buries his head in his hands.

“You okay?” Dean asks, leaning his elbows on the table. 

“I can’t believe we let our little sister get hurt like that. I can’t believe you got hurt like that. How messed up are our lives that three out of three of dad’s kids got bad-touched?” Sam groans into his hands. 

“God, Lena. And you! You never told me about Lucifer. Which I understand why, of course, but both of you hitting me with this at once. I can’t believe I let you two go to hell.” Dean says, running a hand down his face.

“We’re horrible brothers.” Sam moans, letting his head fall onto the table.

“No, we are not. We’re doing our best. And that’s all we can do.” Dean insists, gently smacking Sam’s head. “Maybe we couldn’t stop her going to Hell, and we couldn’t stop what happened down there, but what we can do is help her get through it.”

“Since when are you the positive one?” Sam asks, sitting up with a sigh.

“Don’t get used to it.” Dean warns him. 

The two of them toast their beers, before falling into silence for the rest of the night. 

When Sam wakes up again it’s 4:00 in the morning and it’s to the sound of someone screaming. Sam grabs his gun off the desk and hurried down the hall towards Lena’s room.

Dean beat him there, seeing as his room is closer. He walks in to find Lena crying in her bed, with Dean holding her. Sam joins them on the bed and hugs her from the other side.

“What happened, Lena?” Dean asks, glancing up at Sam. 

“I’m fine. It was just a bad dream.” She sniffles, running her hands down her face.

“Do you want one of us to stay with you?” Sam asks, rubbing her shoulder. She nods. Sam looks up at Dean.

“I’ll stay with her.” He says, and Dean nods, kissing Lena on the forehead before getting up and going back to bed.

Sam and Lena settle into the bed, with her pressed into his chest and his arms around her.

“Try to get some sleep.” He whispers. She hums in agreement.

The two of them eventually fall asleep, and with Sam there, the nightmares don’t return.


End file.
